Once Upon a Scalemate Pile
by ByakurenBreak
Summary: In a small kingdom on LOPAH, everyone wants to get a matesprit, especially Prince Karkat. However, King Kankri will always sabotage any chance for that to happen. Will a certain blind tealblood turn things around? This is a PARODY of the musical Once Upon a Mattress by Jay Thompson, Mary Rodgers, Dean Fuller and Marshall Barer.


**Once Upon a Scalemate Pile**

 **The following is a fan based PARODY. Once Upon a Mattress belongs to Mary Rodgers, Marshall Barer, Jay Thompson and Dean Fuller. Please support the official release.**

* * *

It was an ordinary day on the meteor. Dave and Mayor were building phallic structures in Can Town, Karkat and Terezi were watching human romcoms and loudly commentating about how shitty they were, and Gamzee was doing his own thing and crawling through the vents. The only thing about that day that was out of the ordinary is that Kanaya had gotten a bad case of the flu, and of course, Rose was the one to take care of her.

"It's a wonder how we can be in deep space and you are still capable of getting sick." Rose observed, gently pouring hot water into a mug. "You wanted earl gray, correct?"

Kanaya nodded. "I too find it odd. I do wish it was not the case, but sadly, there's something in the air." The jadeblood grabbed a tissue and sneezed.

Rose sighed. "You poor dear. After you finish your tea, perhaps you should get some rest."

"I know may I sound like a wriggler if I ask this, but could you tell me a story? It might help me relax."

"Certainly. And I believe I have the perfect tale for you. It is called 'The Princess and the Pea'. Mother used to read it to me all the time when I was little, perhaps when I was three." Rose replied, carefully giving her matesprit the mug.

"I actually have heard of this story already. You know how us trolls were somehow able to watch over your entire life? I heard your mother read it to you once." Kanaya replied, sipping the tea.

"Hmm… Then I shall tell the story in a different way. I'll add twists, turns, and… How about I make everyone the cast as well? Let us begin."

* * *

 **ROSE: Many sweeps ago in a far out place**

 **Lived a young mutant with a grumpy face**

 **For he had no quadrants filled**

 **Though he swore and cursed, "This shit is the worst"**

 **But there was no troll his brother would prefer**

 **To perfectly fit the bill**

 **For a matesprit is quite perfect and pure**

 **Finding a good match is hard for sure**

 **There are lots of trolls out there who can be your friend**

 **But a genuine matesprit's there until the end!**

 **On stormy night to the royal hive**

 **Came the troll the whose horns were sharp like a knife**

 **"I'm lost, could you please help me?"**

 **The king looked closely, the prince fell in love, they both said,**

 **"Perhaps, she could be the one;**

 **I'll prepare a test and see."**

 **The king made a plan**

 **to get all needs met,**

 **He replaced a thousand scalemates for the guest bed**

 **And beneath those hundred stuffed dragons he placed one tiny pea.**

 **"If that pea disturbs her slumber**

 **Then a fine matesprit is she!"**

 **Now, the pile was soft, also somewhat tall**

 **But the poor teal blood didn't sleep at all,**

 **and she told them so next day.**

 **Said the king, "If you felt that pea, young girl**

 **then you're the perfect match for my dear brother.**

 **Let the sloppy makeouts start!"**

 **and the shippers yelled loudly**

 **"Oh, my heart!"**

 **For a matesprit is quite perfect and pure**

 **Finding a good match is hard for sure**

 **There are lots of trolls out there who can be your friend**

 **But a genuine matesprit's there until the end!**

* * *

"I assume I know who everyone is going to be at this point." Kanaya chuckled. "This should be rather amusing."

Rose smiled and continued her story. "There was a small kingdom, ruled over by a talkative King and a mute Queen. And the troll in this story was not the only one put to the test. Actually, she was one of 13 trolls… trolls who came to the castle hoping to wed the Prince, but who, for one reason or another, were found to be unsuitable. A young musician (also known as a minstrel) was traveling across the land, and she just so happened to witness the test of the twelfth troll. A curious test was in progress."

* * *

"Are you ready for your next question?" A male troll clad in a purple cape asked, directing his question to a nervous looking female troll, donning a blue hat and green jacket. "I think so. Ask away."

"Name three famous highbloods. Not including myself."

"Wait, mew're famous, Mister Wizard? Oh, nefur mind that. Um… Darkleer, Dualscar…"

The minstrel tapped the shoulder of a nearby bystander. "Hey, is this some kind of trial?"

The bystander, who had sheep-like horns and long hair, turned around. "Oh, this? King Kankri, the one on the red throne, is testing Lady Nepeta on how good of a matesprit she can be for his little brother Karkat, the guy on the grey throne. She needs to be perfect for him."

The minstrel raised an eyebrow. "And I assume the woman on the green throne is the queen. She looks like she is... Just done. I bet she agrees that this test is kind of a silly thing to do."

"Yes, but until the prince gets a matesprit, none of us can get one. It's really unfair. Even Karkat and Queen Porrim know this test is full of bullshit." The bystander turned back around to see what was next.

"...and the Condesce!" Nepeta exclaimed.

"Very good!" The wizard proclaimed.

Karkat boredly looked over at his brother. "See? She's smart, kind, pretty cute… Can she be my matesprit now?"

Kankri shook his head. "No, dear brother. The test isn't over yet."

"You're almost at the top of the echeladder. There are four questions left. These questions describe the life of Neophyte Redglare and her brave actions." The Wizard explained.

"Oh boy." The bystander sighed, running her fingers through her long bushy hair. "Here comes the kicker."

"Question one. What colors did she wear the most? Question two. What type of lusus did she have? Question three. How many teeth did her lusus have and what kind? And question four. What was the middle name of the daughter in law of one of her hanged criminals who had accidentally stabbed the beast?"

A loud groan echoed through the crowd. Nepeta gulped. "Um… red and teal… dragon… there were 413 teeth in total, made of silver… and… Can mew repeat the last question?"

"Yes. What was the middle name of the daughter in law of one of her hanged criminals who had accidentally stabbed the beast? You have thirty seconds."

"Um… Ummmmmm… Oh…." Nepeta thought and thought, but alas, she could not say the answer in time. King Kankri stood up, smirking. "Too bad, miss! Too bad, you were so close, but definitely not close enough. However, just to make sure there are no hard feelings and that you don't get triggered, here's a lovely consolation prize." Kankri then tossed Nepeta a raw bird stripped of all of its feathers. "Now good bye, good luck, and get out."

Nepeta stared curiously at the bird, took a small bite, then sobbed. "This tastes terrible!" She wailed, running away.

Karkat and Porrim glared at Kankri. "You gave her a rotten one, Kankri?" Karkat hissed. "Really? What did she do to deserve that?"

The king wrinkled his nose. "Hmph. Whatever, it's not like it's a big deal. Now come on, dear brother. It's almost time for your cocoa."

* * *

 **KARKAT: Ugh! I liked her!**

 **ARADIA: So did I!**

 **KARKAT: Why does every troll get rejected?**

 **ARADIA: I'm so upset! This rule's unfair and everyone knows it!**

 **KARKAT: It's just, bullshit, I do, insist, I just, want to, get my, matesprit.**

 **CHORUS: Across, the un - iverse, no one, may hook, up un - til he, does first!**

 **The lonely young troll's life!**

 **Go find the prince someone alright?**

 **We have an opening for a matesprit!**

 **High, mid, lowblood, we do not care which!**

 **Tell us when you intend to quit all of this misery!**

 **Don't you understand that we are all in need!**

 **We have an opening for a matesprit!**

 **Female or male, whichever best fits!**

 **Where's the best place where we can find somebody good?**

 **Is the time all stuck inside the mud?**

 **What to do? What to do?**

 **Pity the maids and the witches!**

 **Pity the heirs and knights too, four, six eight ten eleven twelve, potentials in a row!**

 **They came, were inspected, and swiftly kicked out to go!**

 **For a matesprit,**

 **For a special troll who must be perfect!**

 **Nothing else matters, they must be able to pass!**

 **None of the trolls are having**

 **No one is getting any**

 **Buckets aren't getting any fuller!**

 **How much longer must we wait?**

 **We have an opening for a matesprit! Who is cool enough, cute enough, bright enough, strong enough, perfect enough for our prince?**

* * *

As everyone walked away from court, grumbling, the Wizard perked up when he saw the Minstrel nearby. "Ah, Minstrel Rose! You've just arrived. Splendid, splendid. Hey, let me show you something real quick. Pick a card, any card-"

"Nice to see you too, Wizard." Rose smiled. "But I have seen this trick many times before. I'm just here to rest a spell before heading off to Land of Little Cubes and Tea."

The wizard nodded. "Understood, miss- Oi!" He was suddenly interrupted by a jingle of bells. A boy wearing blue clothes with a silly long blue hood walked up to Minstrel Rose, the bells on his shoes dinging as he walked. "Ah, Rose! Good to see you, pal! Welcome to the Land of Pulse and Haze! 'Scuse me, Eridan. I gotta take Rose to sign in with the castle steward."

Eridan scowled. "John, you little... Do NOT fuckin call me Eridan in court! Just because we know each other, and have known each other for many years, don't just presume."

"Whatever. But you still call me John when I'm meant to be addressed as Jester."

The bystander couldn't help but chuckle at the scene. Even on her shittiest days, she could always count on John and Eridan's petty fights to cheer her up. And if those didn't do the trick... The bystander's train of thought suddenly came to a screeching halt when she felt a stinging sensation on her shoulder. "Ow!"

"My apologies, Aradia. I should try to remind myself to speak whenever I want to get your attention rather than tapping your shoulder."

"Equius!" Aradia smiled, pulling her beau into a hug. "Oh, you missed the test. Although I am aware that your responsibilities of being a knight and the heir to the position of Prime Minister at the same time keep you busy. The... Latest troll was a failure."

"What? Oh, what awful luck. But don't despair, we've got plenty of time. Of course, you are able to control time, in which case-"

"Equius, honey... Do you remember last month when we had that picnic with that lovely cold cluckbeast sandwiches...?"

"Um... Yes."

"And... When we watched the sunset that night...?"

"Yes."

"And there was a crescent moon in the sky and you told me you loved looking at them because crescent moons would always remind you of me?"

"Yes, Aradia-"

"And we slept under the stars together?"

The heir couldn't help but blush as the memory played again in his mind. "Oh yes."

Aradia took a deep breath. "Well, I... We're having a wriggler."

* * *

 **Cast in Order of Appearance**

 **Minstrel - Rose Lalonde**

 **Princess No. 12 - Nepeta Leijon**

 **Wizard - Eridan Ampora**

 **Lady Larken - Aradia Megido**

 **Queen Aggravain - Kankri Vantas**

 **Prince Dauntless - Karkat Vantas**

 **King Sextimus the Silent - Porrim Maryam**

 **Jester - John Egbert**

 **Sir Harry - Equius Zahhak**

 **Princess Winnifred - Terezi Pyrope**

 **Nightingale of Samarkand - Dave Strider**


End file.
